The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
