I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
