I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
