Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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