The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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