I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
