That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
