You don't have asthma, your pregnant
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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