Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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