you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
