whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
