Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
