Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
