I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
