My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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