capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
