Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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