So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
