the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
