recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I think I just sharted jello shots
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