my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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