Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
That accounts for only three of the penises
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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