I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
