oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
