True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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