Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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