my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
