first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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