I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
