Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
