Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
