go do what you do best...puke behind churches
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
