Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
