marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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