I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
did i just pee glitter
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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