Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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