Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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