bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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