You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Randomize
