I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
