No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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