That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
He felt like a one man threesome
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
