smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
