he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
