you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
