I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
