You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
