U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm drive I can fine osifer
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
