tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
