Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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