I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
